Am I TRULY a Gem?
by FeelTrip
Summary: Set after "Reformed", Steven begins to question himself and his role among the Crystal Gems.


**Am I TRULY a Gem?**

 _First fan fiction, so try not to expect much of it. The story would be told from a first person perspective, Steven Universe. He is still the same age as he is in the show, which would be around 12. I do not own Steven Universe or its characters. All rights go to Cartoon Network and the show's creator, Rebecca Sugar._

It was a cool summer evening, the wind blowing against my back. As I began my ascent to the top of the cliff, I began remembering what happened before. The day Amethyst fell off, and cracked her gem. It was a terrifying day, as was the day Pearl got stabbed in the back and Garnet being cut in two. I remembered those days well; too well.

"They all nearly died," I thought, "because of me."

They told me, not to worry about it that they would retreat into their gem if they are hurt.

"If that's true, then why," I asked, "Why is it that I haven't retreated into mine to absolve the pain in my heart!"

I fell to my knees, tears running down my face. I looked up, and saw the sun set over the sea. Then I started to think of Lapis, who sacrificed herself to protect us, to protect me. So many people have suffered because of me: Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, and Lapis. Even my mom, she had to sacrifice herself to bring me into this world. Everyone said she had so much hope for me. That I would become stronger.

" _You're going to be something extraordinary. You're going to be a human being."_

Those were the only words I ever heard her say.

"A human being? I don't want to be human! I want to be a Gem! I want to be strong enough to protect everyone, so that no one would get hurt because of me!"

She expected so much from me, yet I feel that I let her down. I took someone that Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and my dad, loved. I took a gift, and replaced it with a burden.

The sun had nearly set. All that could be seen was just a tiny portion of it peeking of the sea. There was a full moon out that night, and everything seemed to be at peace. Well, almost everything.

"Steven!"

I heard a familiar cry.

"Steven, where are you?"

It was Pearl. She was standing out on the balcony of the temple, calling for me. I didn't respond.

"I want to help them. But how can I help them, when I can't even fend for myself!"

I must've said that louder than I thought because Pearl turned around , and looked up at me.

"Steven! There you are! Come on down, it's all ready late. You humans need your rest, remember?"

I felt frustrated when she said those words. As if she was belittling me.

"You humans," I reiterated.

"I don't want to be a human," I shouted, "I want to be a Gem! I want to be strong so that I can protect you all! I don't want anyone else suffer because of my stupidity and my actions!"

My cries brought out Garnet and Amethyst. They stared up at me with a worried expression on their face.

"Steven, please understand," Garnet began.

"No, you all need to understand," I interrupted, "You all died in front of me, and I felt so helpless! You keep telling me that I'm a Crystal Gem, yet I can't fight like you! Whenever I'm around, something bad happens to one of you, and I can't take it! I can't see everyone suffer because of me!"

" _When we are injured, we retreat into our gems to recover."_

Those words repeated in my head. Like a broken track, those words were the only thing I can hear.

"Steven, listen," Pearl began, "We know that you want to help, but understand that you are still young! In time, your powers will grow. Just, please, understand that for now, you need to train!"

"Why? Amethyst was born nearly identically the same way as I was! We both came here through the sacrifice of something else! Yet she all ready could handle her weapon, and I can't summon my shield properly!"

"Do you think it was easy," Amethyst cried, "I did not learn how to handle my weapon day one, Steven! The first time I summoned my weapon, I cut boulder in two! I was out of control, and I was afraid. Until your mother found me, and trained me on how to handle my weapon!"

Mom…

" _You're going to be something extraordinary! You're going to be a human being!"_

" _When we are injured, we retreat into our gems to recover."_

"When Gems are injured," I said, "We retreat into our gems. Is that right, Garnet?"

No one spoke, only the sounds of the crashing wave could be heard.

"Pearl took two weeks to recover, Ruby and Sapphire came back in about 3 hours, even Amethyst recovered instantly when we were chasing after the creature in her room! So how long," I paused, "How long do you think it would take for me to recover?"

Before any of them could speak, I leaned over the cliff, and fell. The wind pressing against my face, I felt so peaceful. If I did recover, then that would be proof that I truly was a Gem, and I would be able to protect everyone as I said I would. If not, then they wouldn't have to worry so much and suffer so much because of me. Suddenly, I felt something wrap around my sides. It was Garnet, who had leapt after me. She landed on the beach, squeezing me tightly.

"Garnet," I began.

"Shut up," she cried.

All I could hear from her was heavy breathing, and I felt her tears as they fell onto my face. Pearl and Amethyst ran towards us, and wrapped their arms around us. Amethyst began to hyperventilate, and Pearl just squeezed tightly around us all.

"Steven," Garnet began, "We understand that you want to help everyone. And we can understand the pain you felt seeing those you love go through so much. It was like that with seeing Rose go. However, you had to see it happen so many times. What you need to understand, though, is that you DO help us more than you know. You provide us with morale, you provide us with comfort, you provide so much that keeps us going."

"But I want to do more! I want to fight _for_ you all!"

"And you all ready have! Steven, being a Gem is not about how hard you can hit for yourself. It's about how hard you can hit for others! Remember with the Centipeetle? We were pressed against the wall, and you used your head to subdue the creature?"

I chuckled, remembering that I was crying because I didn't have any more Cookie Cats.

"And remember when my gem was cracked," Amethyst sniffled, "When the shrubs were surrounding us, and you squeezed me tightly, protecting me from their attacks?"

"Or how about with your mother's scabbard," Pearl asked, whipping away some of her tears, "You saw how I was hurting, and chased after me so far and so long? You even managed to hop along the floating rocks, which you couldn't do when we went to look for the Beetle."

I looked down to the sand, realizing how foolish I felt. I focused on the times that there was pain and sorrow, that I forgot about all the times that I did actually help them.

"I'm sorry, you guys," I said.

They didn't respond, they just continued to squeeze me tighter. We remained like that for quite some time. When we went inside, I told them I was heading to bed. We said our good nights, and I hugged each of them, saying, I love you to each of them. I crawled into my bed, and shut my eyes. As I was dreaming, I could hear the sounds of what sounded like crying. I awoke, and turned around, seeing Pearl sitting on my bed, facing away from me.

"Pearl?"

She immediately shot up in shock, and quickly tried to hide the tears.

"Steven! I'm sorry. I know you didn't want me to watch you sleep anymore."

Before she could say anything else, I wrapped my arms around her. It was déjà vu. From when I chased after her when we found the scabbard. She began to sob hysterically, even louder than before. Garnet and Amethyst ran out of their rooms, and saw Pearl and I hugging. I looked over at them, and nudged my head for them to come over. They walked over, and we all began to hug. As they all began to stand up, and head back to their rooms, I had sat up, and said,

"Would you guys look to sleep here tonight?"

They all turned to me, and nodded their heads, tears rolling down their eyes. Since my bed was small, Amethyst was the only one who could fit in it with me. Garnet and Pearl went to get sleeping bags, and laid them out on the floor. Once again, I told them all good night, told them I loved them, and even gave them all a kiss on the cheek. We knew that Gems didn't need sleep, but they just wanted to be in the same room as me.

"I will continue to be strong for you all. I will always protect you as you protect me," I muttered under my breath.


End file.
